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WANTED: ONE MOM FOR TEMPORARY HIRE

Our fast paced company (The Family, Inc.) is currently looking to fill a temporary position for one Mom. Current Mom is seeking a Mental Health Break and would like to train temp worker prior to taking Leave. Job responsibilities include the emotional, spiritual, educational, and physical growth of current associates.

Successful applicant will be:

Trained in math and spelling up to seventh grade level, with history of working with teachers and other school support. Exp. in making doctor’s appointments and finding babysitter’s especially helpful.

Skilled in making dinner, though willing to train. Dinner must be filling, thrifty, and somewhat nutritious. Getting certain members of the the company to eat vegetables would be a plus.

Daily janitorial duties are required. Junior associates will disrupt applicant during cleaning process, so applicant should be able to multitask well. Associates will also make messes in the area previously cleaned, so patience is required.

Must have good eyesight for finding the Lego’s and misc. thumb tacks hiding in carpet. Applicant should not have a strong sense of smell, as she will need to wipe the rears of junior associates. Applicant will also need to have quick fingers to fill a sippy cup before junior associate cries, a strong voice for reading the same story over and over; physically fit is preferred but not necessary, though ability to chase after associates and company animal desired.

Must be available 24/7. Ability to sleep less than six hours a night would be a plus, as junior associate wakes several times for the potty. Drivers license required. Position unpaid, though highly rewarding.

As current mom is feeling overwhelmed and underqualified for the position, possibility to turn into long-term employment possible!

Typically this isn’t much of a problem and results in some late nights and an all-nighter or two before a vacation. Not ideal, but c’est la vie. As the trip approached I had been feeling increasingly anxious about his lack of sleep. Finally, Wednesday came, but he was still madly working away at his projects. Jordan left on his trip, knowing that Dad may be late meeting them on the mountain.

{It’s a roaring shindig, as you can tell.}

My hubby left me.
I should clarify…
He didn’t leave me leave me. He just left… for four days.

Four days! And he took Jordan with him. Jordan, my best helper. My right hand guy. They’re going hiking, of all things. Hiking. To the top of Kings Peak, which happens to be the tallest mountain in Utah.

Gary’s going to die.
{No offense, sweetie!}

I’m not too worried about Jordan. Jordan is 12, has gone on a few small hikes to prepare, and has youth and eagerness to make up for any deficits in actual hiking ability.

Gary has an artificial hip.
For real.

So while they’ll be flinging themselves off mountains, I’ll be home with the girls, Rebecca, Nicole, and Abigail. All day. Every day. No break. Abigail doesn’t even nap anymore.

Yup. Break out the chocolate.
It’s pity party time.

Join my pity party. Care to whine? Comment below! 

Oops.

See, this class of medication has a very short half-life. So by 8:30 in the morning, I’m extremely irritable. Answering a four year old’s incessant questions, followed by a two year old’s constant begging followed by whining, doesn’t help.

Kinda makes me want to punch people in the face, really.
Not my kids, of course.
That’s bad.
Just people… mankind.

Hmm, writing this post was supposed to feel theraputic.
Instead I just feel like a bad person.

I’m supposed to can strawberry jam today. With 4 square feet of counter space and 2 kids under feet, it should be fun.
Not dangerous at all.

I’m also out of Diet Coke. Maybe I’ll just take a nap instead.

 PS – any scriptures you particularly like to read when you are mad/irritable/cranky/tired/mean/grumpy/sad/crazy? Please advise.

So, Saturday.
I woke up, got ready, asked Gary for a blessing and a push out the door. He gave me both. Then he walked me to the car. Made sure I got in the car. Made sure I left. On the way, I focused on not thinking about what I was doing. I listened to music and attempted to zone out.

Finally, I got there. Breathe… breathe…

I found my friend, the fabulous Kathy of Danish Mama. Truly, truly fabulous lady! She was in charge of PR and sponsors for the event, and did such an amazing job. I got there at the tail end of breakfast, sponsored by Chick-Fil-A.  Then we headed to our first class. I buddied up with a neighbor of mine, Megan. She’s a new blogger on the block, with a blog about feeding your family easily! Megan, Kathy, and I went to (my) first class about DoTerra essential oils with Heather Carson. I’ve blogged a few times about greener living, and it really is something I believe in. I’d love to experiment more with the oils, so it was fun learning new things.

We then had a lunch break. There was a bit of organized chaos as we swarmed SoDa Row. Luckily, there were fabulous volunteers (all wearing black and a super cute Flirty Apron to set them apart) ready to show us the way. I got lunch from Tio’s. We ate, chatted, and crossed our fingers through giveaways. (My finger crossing didn’t serve me well.)

Jenny K. Photography

(Jessica from Utah Deal Diva, Kathy from Danish Mama, and Summer from SummerScraps and I promise,  I was to the left of Summer!)

We then had the opportunity to go check out Oh Sweet Sadie! which is an annual craft market on SoDa Row. Too-die-for cute, I had to walk away with a couple of fun things for my kids, like these darling headbands.

Jenny K Photography

Then I went into Oopsie Daisy, which is the perfect store for anyone with young children. Loved, loved, loved their Pottery Barn-esque furniture displays, but even more I loved their book and toy selection! I picked out a few kids books for me the kids. There was another class, but I was having too much fun at Oopsie Daisy to tear myself away.

Next I headed to a photography class. Can I tell you how exciting it was to be offered a one hour class by Emilie, of the wonderful Photos by Emilie? I felt like I was being taught by a celebrity, seriously. The class was held in the most gorgeous model home in Daybreak, I can’t tell you how many ‘mental notes’ I made about my future dream house!

After, we had our rather fabulous Cinco de Mayo fiesta with a chance to network with the rather fabulous sponsors of Breathing Space. Rather fabulous, wouldn’t you say?

Jenny K. Photography

There you have it. Proof that I went! I’m in the middle there with Kathy of Danish Mama (left) and Megan of Eating Easily (right) with Little E. in her arms. You know what? Despite all my scaredy pants crying on the couch the day before, I really had the best time. It was chill and relaxed and truly a wonderful retreat!

Friday finally rolled around, and I was actually excited. Around noon, I commented to my friend how much better my anxiety had been since starting this blog. After all, if I’m going to be open about all my many many issues online, I can’t exactly be scared about people finding out about my issues. Right?

That was noon. At 1 p.m., I threw all that out the window and started freaking out. Little things were tripping me up. I wasn’t able to get my hair done in time, my suitcases were all behind a literal 5 foot pile of paper towels.
Don’t ask.

Suddenly, everything seemed impossible. I wanted to go, but I didn’t want to go. It was too hard, to scary. Staying home seemed like a good option. But I wanted to go. Cue the crying.
It was really lame.

While I was alternating between crying on the couch and crying in my bed (for hours, people! what was wrong with me??) I was missing out on fun things like this:

Jenny K Photography

these fabulous classes like making cupcakes with Megan Brown of the Sweet Tooth Fairy

Jenny K. Photography

and the Stepford Wives dinner

Jenny K Photography

and sleeping in fabulous Daybreak model homes like these!

Finally, around 7 p.m., I resolved to go. Mostly because my husband decided the best tactic to handle his basketcase wife would be to annoy me until I left the house out of spite. (He told me this after the fact.) (Unbeknownst to him, I was only planning on going after a trip to Target for some serious shopping therapy. And a cute overnight bag.)

I did my hair, donned my fabulous outfit, and looked at the directions. 38 minutes away? By the time I got there after Target, it would be pushing 9 p.m. Was there any point?!

After another round of crying, I decided staying home was the best option after all, though I was afraid that I was just delaying another breakdown. At one point, 4 year old Nicole asked me why I was feeling shy. I told her I didn’t know. She asked me earnestly, “Is it because you are afraid to show them your fabulous ways?”
Yes, Nicole. I was afraid to show them my fabulous ways!

I will hold you in suspense about whether I stayed home and cried (again) or actually ventured out of my house.

Make me feel better. Have you ever skipped out of something you were excited about due to last minute anxiety?

As an adult, I have a keen awareness before social situations of what an idiot I will potentially make myself out to be. Not very long ago, this was such a crippling can’t-breathe-get-me-outta-here awareness that I tried not to venture into social situations unless I had no other option. I’m slowly working (and forcing) myself out of my self induced shell.

As a blogger, I often see events going on that I would so love to attend, but the anxiety is too overwhelming to consider. As I come out of my shell, such events seem slightly less terrifying. One such event is the Breathing Space Retreat in Daybreak, Utah.

This beautiful retreat has a few things that appealed to me: first, affordability, at only $75 for a weekend ticket! Second, location, as it’s within Salt Lake valley. Third, it offers fun classes like beginning knitting and photography!

Lastly, it offers the taste of a blog conference, without the sheer overwhelming numbers of a big-time blog conference: it’s excluded to 75 people! The size of the conference is perfect for me. It will get me out of my comfort zone (75 people! wow, that is a lot of people I don’t know!), without plunking me down in the middle of 500+ attendees. I can do 75 people. Right? Right??

As I work my way out of my “shell,” I’m starting to realize… I’m not the only one  ready to pee their pants in a social situation. I’ve pulled together some tips from other bloggers ready to hit their anxiety head on at a conference.

1. Be Recognizeable! Kristi, from The Daily Dribbles, posted a real-life picture of herself, admitting,

The thing is, I’m naturally a shy person. If you know me in real life, you’re probably laughing at that statement. Once you get to know me, I’m not shy at all. In fact, I’m quite outgoing. But if you don’t know me, and I don’t know you, and there are lots of people involved (like at a blog conference), I feel overwhelmed and oftentimes, just go and sit by myself and wait for someone else to come up to me. That is not me being a bitch. That is me retreating and hoping that someone will take pity on me and start a conversation with me.

2. Don’t Compare. One cool thing about the Breathing Space Retreat is that while it’s for “bloggers,” blogger is pretty loosely defined by anyone who happens to have a blog. If you’re coming, and your blog has a follower, singular, (hi, Mom!), enjoy what you’re learning from more established bloggers. Dianne, of Will Write for Food, offers this advice:

Someone is always going to have a better book deal, more readers, more speaking opportunities, more ad revenue, nicer clothes, more prestigious freelancing gigs, better writing skills, and more hangers-on. I’ll never win, playing that game.

3. Shut Up, Listen Up - Awkward with conversation? Then leave the conversation to others. Debrorah, from American Christian Fiction Writers, offers this valuable insight:

Listen five times more than you talk, and when you do talk, make at least 50% of your words QUESTIONS to others about themselves, instead of talking about yourself. I know when I’m nervous I have a tendency to talk WAY too much. I’m learning that if I make a conscious effort to shut my mouth and just LISTEN, I get far more out of any encounter or meeting.

4. Make New Friends… First – If at all possible, attend the Twitter chats, Facebook convo, and real-life meet ups before the event. Suddenly the strangers that you’re about to spend an entire weekend with won’t seem to strange! A tip from socialanxietydisorder.about.com:

If you will be attending an event where you do not know anyone, make a point of trying to get to know at least one other fellow attendee prior to going. Although it may be awkward to try and get to know someone in advance, you will be glad to see a friendly face when you arrive. Make plans to meet up for coffee or a meal during the event and you will feel less like an outsider amongst an unfriendly crowd.

Whether you suffer from blog conference anxiety or not, I hope you’ll venture out of your comfort zone to join me at the Breathing Space Retreat! If nothing else, you know you’re not the only one there who is taking deep breaths, trying not to be horribly awkward, and making a concentrated effort not to pee their pants and run.

After hearing–and experiencing–more and more of the side effects my anxiety medication can cause, I decided to wean myself off of it. I say “wean” because this medicine has an extremely short half-life, and withdrawals are killer. Almost literally, in fact. In fact, there are entire websites devoted to methods for getting off this medication successfully.
{Let’s call this medicine “Shmaxil.”}

Anyway, I was determined to get off Shmaxil. I started in December and cut back a few milligrams every couple of weeks. The following day I would have horrific depression, and the next week or so I would have random mood swings of anger and depression. I was on a pretty high dose of Shmaxil (to balance the high dose of ADHD medication that gives me a high dose of anxiety), so I was able to wean to about half of my dosage.

Finally, my husband begged me to get on something else while weaning.

I began a new medication, and soon enough, cut my half dosage into half yet again. After two weeks of that, I stopped taking Shmaxil.  That’s where the situation began to get really fouled up.

Others call them “brain zaps,” but I started getting a random buzz noise that would flash on and off in my head. I struggled to keep my eyes focused, and as I looked side to side, my vision would skip, like a scratched CD.  I cried. I sobbed. I left my husband. (For a few hours.) I screamed at my kids, I yelled at my husband.  Internally I raged, even when I wasn’t externally raging. I got ringing headaches.  One day I got stabbing chest pain. I was exhausted. Did I mention I was just a bit moody? Did I mention that the day after I stopped Shmaxil, Gary’s work had a crisis and he was literally working 18 to 22 hour days, and typically slept in his office??

A week and a half later, and things are slowly improving. Monday was pretty good. I kept it together like a rock star. {Well, perhaps like a rock star going through withdrawals?}

Tuesday morning I screamed at the kids then felt unimaginably guilty. Tuesday night I didn’t exactly scream but had a phone meltdown with Gary and send the kids all to bed early. I was ready to have my doctor prescribe me some sort of sedative.

Yesterday I was doing great and actually felt happy! Then Abigail had a bad allergic reaction. (More on this later.) She was screaming, I’m on the phone with the nurse and trying to find the stupid syringe for the stupid Benedryl, and the kids are just… around. Okay, actually they were being pretty good but the stress of me *tryingtokeepittogether* while Abigail was having a medical semi-emergency; I told Jordan to take the kids to the park .
{or else I’d blow up. Progress!}

Well, apparently that was the mean mommy thing to do because I had already told him he could go to a friend’s house. And if you have older kids, you know if you already told them and then change your mind it’s like… sinning. Sinning in front of them, no less.

I kept it together… possibly because I called Gary and had him handle it while I held my poor baby till the Benedryl kicked in. He’s been the rock star this week. Dealing with my over the phone emotional breakdowns while working the job of three men deserves a spot in Hubby Hall of Fame.

It’s been a rough day… week… month. I wish I could say I knew it was the end.
But… what’s a SNAFU once it’s returned to situation normal?
Just… SN? 

That’s what I was going to post about.

Or, I was going to post about my insane(ly manic) burst of energy where I totally cleaned out my entire pantry.
The pantry where you had to shield your head when you opened the door.
Then shove it all back in as you close the door.

Random fact: my son is talking in his sleep in the next room. I kinda want to listen in…
Sounds like a fairly serious conversation though.
It wouldn’t be polite.

Anyway. Instead, I’m totally disappointed. I drove all over the valley
{Salt Lake is pretty big, if you need a frame of reference}
trying to find the perfect dresses for our upcoming temple sealing. If I got white for the girls, do I get white for my step daughter, who is not being sealed to us? Do I get another color? Do I sew all the dresses and keep it simple? Do I blow the budget or buy used?

Oh, and family pictures are Monday. So online ordering is pretty much out.

I finally found a gorgeous dress for Rebecca, my stepdaughter. I ended up picking a beautiful ivory bubble dress. The store only special ordered in the sizes I need for Nicole and Abigail. The dresses wouldn’t be in by Monday, so on I went.

I ended up at a fantastic store with everything I needed. Off the rack, sizes 24 months, 4T, and 10. Matching white dresses. Ooh, matching dresses! I have a thing for matching dresses. Is that just a mom thing, or a me thing? I never know, because Gary thinks I’m slightly crazy. But he’s not a mom.

Of course, the price tag for 3 white dresses… is crazy. $60 for a white dress for some of the messiest people I know? This sounds like poor planning.
But… but… they match.

And on my mental anguish went.
Naturally, I ended up at Target.
Which doesn’t carry pretty white dresses for temple sealings.

I wandered.
It was late.
I was pooped.
I have no clue what to do tomorrow.
Family pictures – three shopping days away.
I lose. :(

The other day I was invited to a Deseret Book event for the author of Jacob T. Marley by William Bennett. The bloggers attending were getting together beforehand for a quick dinner at Chili’s, followed by the reception for William Bennett, followed by seeing A Christmas Carol at Hale Center Theatre. It sounded fun and my husband was really excited for my opportunity to see one of his favorite shows.

If nothing else, getting ready for this event totally proved how close I am to losing my mind. And frankly, if it’s already gone, I’m not sure I would know.

First: that lovely little anxiety medication has made me gain weight like nothing but pregnancy can. So when I thought “Oh my gosh, I have nothing to wear,” that wasn’t exactly the thought an overly anxious mind, it’s pretty much a statement of fact.
{So much so that the other day my husband bought me jeans because he was sick of my ratty ones.}
Now, we don’t have a lot of spare money kicking around (but if you do, please, let’s be friends), so I didn’t even want to think about buying a new blouse.
I did what any crazy person would do.
I made one.

This may not seem crazy to you until you realize while I know how to sew, I’ve never made a shirt before in my life. I didn’t have a pattern. Please! I had Pinterest! Who needs patterns when you have dozens of tutorials a mouse click away?

This was immediately after a big, erm, discussion, about the lack of house cleaning as of late.
I sat down and attempted to sew a shirt.

It turned out okay but oh my gosh I tried it on and saw the knit jersey clinging around my hips and cried. For a surprisingly long time.

Then I had to juggle an eye doctor appointment with kids being picked up with getting ready for the event, and I didn’t get home until 5:45 from running errands. I was supposed to be at Chili’s at 6:00. I defiantly yelled at Gary that I wasn’t going. He sat me down and told me that this show, one he was dragged to years ago by family, was one of the reasons he decided to turn his life around.
{Post divorce, he really struggled. Don’t worry, I fixed him. :) Okay, and it may have been his children, his faith, and apparently A Christmas Carol that helped too, but I’ll take the credit.}

 After that, I couldn’t not go. He helped me figure out what to wear (a black jacket over my DIY tee shirt didn’t look half-bad), got the navigation app going on my phone and sent me out the door.

Once I got there–way past time for dinner–I met a wonderful woman named Stephanie from Utah’s Mama. She let me cling to her (emotionally still a bit unsteady on my feet) and we listened as William Bennett described the process behind writing his book. This is actually a book I’ve been hearing about on the radio and have been very interested in reading. I was thrilled to be given a copy from the lovely Deseret Book team. I’m a reader and that was enough to turn my night around.