Breathing Space Retreat, Pt. 1 {Or, where I stay home and cry.}

Jenny K. Photography

Awhile back, I posted about my social anxiety, and as I was headed to Breathing Space Blogger Retreat, tips on how to beat the “Conference Blues.” I provided tips I gathered on how to beat social anxiety when headed to events like these. Of course, I ignored all my own advice and forged on, slacker mom style.

Friday finally rolled around, and I was actually excited. Around noon, I commented to my friend how much better my anxiety had been since starting this blog. After all, if I’m going to be open about all my many many issues online, I can’t exactly be scared about people finding out about my issues. Right?

That was noon. At 1 p.m., I threw all that out the window and started freaking out. Little things were tripping me up. I wasn’t able to get my hair done in time, my suitcases were all behind a literal 5 foot pile of paper towels.
Don’t ask.

Suddenly, everything seemed impossible. I wanted to go, but I didn’t want to go. It was too hard, to scary. Staying home seemed like a good option. But I wanted to go. Cue the crying.
It was really lame.

While I was alternating between crying on the couch and crying in my bed (for hours, people! what was wrong with me??) I was missing out on fun things like this:

Jenny K Photography

these fabulous classes like making cupcakes with Megan Brown of the Sweet Tooth Fairy

Jenny K. Photography

and the Stepford Wives dinner

Jenny K Photography

and sleeping in fabulous Daybreak model homes like these!

Finally, around 7 p.m., I resolved to go. Mostly because my husband decided the best tactic to handle his basketcase wife would be to annoy me until I left the house out of spite. (He told me this after the fact.) (Unbeknownst to him, I was only planning on going after a trip to Target for some serious shopping therapy. And a cute overnight bag.)

I did my hair, donned my fabulous outfit, and looked at the directions. 38 minutes away? By the time I got there after Target, it would be pushing 9 p.m. Was there any point?!

After another round of crying, I decided staying home was the best option after all, though I was afraid that I was just delaying another breakdown. At one point, 4 year old Nicole asked me why I was feeling shy. I told her I didn’t know. She asked me earnestly, “Is it because you are afraid to show them your fabulous ways?”
Yes, Nicole. I was afraid to show them my fabulous ways!

I will hold you in suspense about whether I stayed home and cried (again) or actually ventured out of my house.

Make me feel better. Have you ever skipped out of something you were excited about due to last minute anxiety?

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15 Responses to Breathing Space Retreat, Pt. 1 {Or, where I stay home and cry.}

  1. Tristan says:

    I have to say I don’t struggle with anxiety issues. I guess if I did the thing I would cling to is my identity at a child of God. If you truly understand who you are then nothing else matters. So you’re not perfect, so what? Nobody is. We all have our own insecurities and issues. That’s part and parcel with earth life. Don’t listen to Satan. He tries to convince you that something is too hard or that you can’t handle it. Literally take captive those thoughts and give them to Christ. Then go do what you’re afraid of. It’s okay to be afraid the entire time!

  2. Jamie M. says:

    Yep I have!! I would love to go to one of these fun blog confrences but the thought makes me start to panic. So the fact you even signed up to go is better than anything I have done!!

  3. michelle p. says:

    Yes. More times than I would like to admit.

  4. HighDesertGal says:

    Too many times….trying to cope right now.

  5. Christy says:

    If people only knew the internal trauma I go through while I’m sitting in social settings….that’s if I make it there :)

    • I think we should start wearing signs. “I’m freaking out, are you freaking out too?” We might find more people like us!

      • Brandi says:

        lol I love it…I am so going to make one of these and when I do I will share a picture. I will proudly wear it to. I freak out all the time. My anxiety affects my breathing so when under a lot of stress or nerves I have a hard time breathing and my stomach hurts. I feel like people are judging me before they even get to know me…kind of stinks. On the flip side though I get these momements were I just dont care and I do crazy fun things like you said with the shirts or throw a party (but when everyone gets there I am like oh crap what have I done lol…but it turns out good)

  6. Andrea says:

    Um…YES, all the time. I’m supposed to start working on it soon. We’ll see.

  7. This happens all the time to so many people out there. Yes, it has happened to me. Social Anxiety is a real thing. It can be so hard sometimes to get out of the house.
    Good for you to cry it out. So healing.
    I find if I am regularly taking vitamins (A,D,B6,B12) regularly this really helps with these times. All I can say is you are not alone!
    Loved what your precious daughter said, that is a frame worthy quote.

    • Ooh, I should frame her quote!
      Thanks for the tips on vitamins. I’m clearly unsatisfied with my current anxiety treatment (ha), so I will look into those. I should be taking a multi-vitamin anyway… I eat crap food. :D

  8. Laura says:

    The last fun thing I missed was actually an event I went to…at first. We were learning about freezer meals (I SO NEED TO LEARN THIS). I got through the first hour of discussing ideas but then we headed to the kitchen. My friend asked if I would be in charge of directing a station that was putting together chilli. The recipe required chopping onions. I cry so bad around onions and then my eyes burn all day. I told her no and explained why. All the other recipes had onions too…except for the cookies, but they were being prepared just behind the chilli. I’m also trying to avoid sugar because I’m a serious addict. It doesn’t help the anxiety. There were bowls of m&m’s on every counter! I started to feel anxious. I wanted all the candy. I hate preparing food. There were so many people and my hearing aid was picking up a lot of noise which was making my skin crawl. I was having a hard time hearing what people were saying because it was garbled, but if I took out my aid then they would be too soft to understand. ARGH! I felt dumb for saying no to being in charge of the chilli station. How could I explian that I’m not good at putting recipes together because I CAN’T STAY FOCUSED?! I felt like I’m not good at anything. I felt like I didn’t belong with all these friends who know how to put their lives together. Who was I trying to kid anyway, that I would follow through and make freezer meals? I tried that one day a few years ago and ate the two frozen meals the next two nights. I quietly snuck out of the room and headed home. I cried all the way and off and on the rest of the day. No one even missed me (yes, I’m having a pity party…poor me). I felt defeated. I was SO excited to be there at first. What happened?!

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